The
big event of this week in NZ was, as I see it, the People's
Report of the Glenn Inquiry1
into child abuse and domestic violence. We might appear a peaceful
and civilised country, but I think we are all aware of the reality.
Not only has our society been built on violent acts in the past, it
is maintained by a culture of fear (or its cousin in camouflage
anxiety) that has us seeking the security of powerful friends. But
even deeper is the absence of peace and well-being in many homes.
Too many children and adults think their experience is “normal”.
This week the focus in the Bible readings just happens to be fair and
square on the way this disease pervade family culture.
Talk
“violence” and many of us likely pull back and think, that's not
my experience. A majority feeling can pervade, even without us
speaking our thoughts, and those who do know it get silenced. By the
way, the report speaks of abuse and violence that is physical,
sexual, emotional and psychological, and financial. Manipulation and
control in many forms. We must not pull back from it, and let
issues like Labour party leadership become more important until
something else distracts us, because it concerns people among us. It
is “us”, not just “them”. Even more so because at root there
is a culture, an attitude that I'm not sure any of us can feel free
of: the culture of blame. If something is wrong, the mainstream
response is to go for the one who is to blame. That, apparently, is
how you sort it. Really? Blame, then punish, and it's over?
No,
do that and the cycle continues.
Today's
Bible readings really can clarify our purpose – two readings about
family. In them are human actions and consequences; God's response
and God's way of dealing with issues; and the harder way Jesus leads
us on to build life not on power and control but on kingdom values.
Put bluntly, Jesus condemns the idolatry of family.
Family Conflict: an ancient example – the story in Genesis 21:8-21
In
the background is the promise to Abraham that he, with his wife
Sarah, will be tupuna for a great nation. They believe the promise
but they are old, and Sarah has not been blessed with a child. So
Sarah understandably thinks this is a situation to take initiative
and arranges for a surrogate child by her maid, Hagar. Her son,
Ishmael, grows strong and Sarah and Hagar's formerly close
relationship is disturbed, as happens – you can't really blame
anyone. Then Sarah herself carries a child to term and Isaac is
born.
Trouble
escalates. What if Hagar's son takes precedence as Abraham's first
born? This must not happen, thinks Sarah, for God's promise is to
her and Abraham. She has to do something (initiative again) to help
keep things on track. So she asks Abraham to send Hagar and the
child away, effectively a death sentence to be shut off from
community support.
For
Abraham it was no trouble to have both sons and both women in his
life, but Sarah is his official wife, so he must do as she asks. He
supplies Hagar with food and water and sends her into the wilderness.
When
the water runs out, Hagar cannot bear to see her child suffer. She
leaves him under a bush and sits down a distance away from him where
“she lifts up her voice and weeps”.
God
hears the boy's crying and sends a messenger to Hagar who tells her
that God has heard the boy “where he is” – right there in
worst suffering. She is to raise him with care, for through him also
Abraham will be tupuna of a great nation. When she opens her eyes,
she sees a spring: their life continues. As the text says: “God
was with the boy...”
We
say family is the basis of society. The wisdom of the Tanakh, which
we so foolishly call the Old Testament,
tells us that family
is where violence and blame begin...
Adam blames Eve. Cain kills Abel. And Lamech takes the violence
further.... (Genesis 4:19-24) The violence escalates.
Andrew
Prior,
http://harestreetunitingchurch.org.au/the-work-of-easter-is-begun---matthew-10-24-39.html
Abraham's
family is a continuation of this. The disharmony that had come into
family life with the birth of one son and then of the second son was
to be sorted by punishing the cause of the problem. If Hagar hadn't
been so confident, blossoming in the role of motherhood, if she'd
kept her place as a household slave, then there wouldn't have been a
problem. She's to blame; send her away.
Abraham
buys into that: he knows no option. Keep the peace of the family,
keep the honour of the family, and don't show any weakness that will
make the household vulnerable to others.
So
much manipulation, control tactics, and bullying happens in the cause
of keeping the peace. Focus on who's to blame; find a scapegoat for
the problem and work from that. What we do next probably depends on
our personality type: confront or withdraw, challenge or pacify, all
to deal to the so-called “problem person” but ignoring the real
sickness – the relationship between the people.
Not peace but a sword
In the Gospel reading for today we hear these challenging words from Jesus:
‘Do
not think that I have come to bring peace to the earth; I have not
come to bring peace, but a sword.
For I have come to set a man against his father,
and a daughter against her mother,
and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law;
and one’s foes will be members of one’s own household.
For I have come to set a man against his father,
and a daughter against her mother,
and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law;
and one’s foes will be members of one’s own household.
Whoever
loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; and whoever
loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and
whoever does not take up the cross and follow me is not worthy of me.
Those who find their life will lose it, and those who lose their
life for my sake will find it. (Matthew 10:34-39)
Eugene
Peterson begins verse 34 of Matthew 10: “Don't think I've come to
make life cozy.” Brokenness in relationships cannot be fixed by
making things comfortable and nice. Like a broken leg, what's needed
first is traction – pulling it apart. Jesus is speaking this hard
truth about relationships, starting at the core in family
relationships. And he is showing us how to do it.
In
conventional terms, Jesus' society was held together by the dynamics
of family honour and shame. In many ways that is still the same for
us. “Family values”, “family first”, as a society we come
close to treating family as our ultimate concern, our god.
Jesus is saying, no, that's not the real ultimate concern. God is,
and to be on track with that we need to commit to Jesus. What really
holds life together is the way he shows us – the way of the cross.
Andrew
Prior proposes an extra verse for our first song:
When
the crowds at the cross have gone home
When the stone is rolled from the tomb
When the Lord has come among you and you have seen his wounds
The work of Easter is begun.
When the stone is rolled from the tomb
When the Lord has come among you and you have seen his wounds
The work of Easter is begun.
Prior
continues:
Jesus'
refusal to reply to our violence with violence, but replying with
forgiveness, is the decisive breaking of such cycles. It is the work
of Easter. Look again at the words in that song.
To
find the lonely and the lost,
To heal their brokens soul with love,
To feed the hungry children with warmth and good food,
To feel the earth below the sky above!
To heal their brokens soul with love,
To feed the hungry children with warmth and good food,
To feel the earth below the sky above!
To
free the prisoner from all chains,
To make the powerful care,
To rebuild the nations with strength and goodwill,
To be at one with people everywhere.
To make the powerful care,
To rebuild the nations with strength and goodwill,
To be at one with people everywhere.
Andrew
Prior,
http://harestreetunitingchurch.org.au/the-work-of-easter-is-begun---matthew-10-24-39.html
Section
2 of the People's Report, on what is working well in our country's
government and non-government systems, documents things that fit well
with these two verses, for example:
genuine,
non-judgmental people
helpful
services
agencies
collaborating
teachers
alert to troubled children and believing them
victim-focussed
police response
“There
is so much power in just being heard, listened to, believed, and not
judged.”2
There is so much damage in labelling, acting on assumptions, and
overall ignorance of the nature and impact of child abuse and
domestic violence.
The
section on what is not working is much longer but ideas for change
that follow give good direction. The way forward is whole system,
whole country, change. All of us seeing things differently, all of
us leaving behind the impulse to blame. To break the cycle of abuse,
and at all times for us to break the cycle of troubled relationships,
we need to break the habit of making blame and punishment the
solution.
For
us as Christians we have the pattern to follow to do this – the
Light of the World. Remember Jesus' key word forgiveness. It
is the perfect antidote to the blame impulse, which is my strongest
argument for keeping working on it.
For
the goal is well-being. The way forward to that is healing, not
condemnation.
1https://glenninquiry.org.nz/the-peoples-report
2The
People's Report, p.110
