Awhi atu awhi mai

Being church and being caring people – those two surely go together.

A common reason for being part of church is the caring for one another and for others. We all have something going on that means we value a little bit, or a big bit, of TLC. Lately it's seemed even more in focus, with the effects of age and various illnesses affecting quite a number in our parish family.

How does one care well for one another? What makes for good pastoral care, that is the question.

And it's a very important question. Because we don't want the environment that goes with the old adage about “do-gooders”: you can spot a “do-gooder” by the hunted look on those he or she is doing good for!

“Pastoral care” is the church's own special term. It's genuinely “pastoral” being connected in meaning with the essence of being a good shepherd, which some of us know in literal terms and all of us can imagine. Psalm 23 gives a good run-down: providing for, pointing in the right direction, sheltering, supporting, helping celebrate the positives, just being there.

A shepherd tends the flock, attends to their needs, which in turn is done by paying attention.

That is surely the key to caring well for others and not being more of a nuisance than a support.

Back with the shepherd: perhaps you can produce a so-so flock of sheep by following a set routine of food provision and disease protection. Okay maybe, but probably not if there's a really bad drought and you're not noticing that the grass is running out before the set time. The good farmer is attentive to what's actually happening adjusting provision and care accordingly. A no brainer as they say.

Likewise caring for a friend who is unwell. We need to be attentive to what is happening and therefore sensitive to what will really be caring for our friend. Each person is different and the more we know a person, the more we get to sense what they will appreciate. And we can ask. Simply ask: what would be helpful, what could we do to show that we care.

This is definitely a two-way thing: caring is not something I do to another person, but is the particular character of the relationship between us when we are giving support one to the other. A two-way thing means it works best when we communicate, when we are enabled to say honestly what helps and what doesn't.

When we're really sick, we are allowed to ask not to be disturbed. Many, many times I've shared a particular thought with someone whose illness is terminal and they've settled in at home where family can care for them and friends can visit. You don't have to be the gracious host – to stay alert or keep a conversation going when you don't want to. You are allowed to close your eyes, which can be a gentle hint that it is time for the visit to end. There are some rules of thumb I use for visiting like this, in particular keeping it short. The main thing is to ask, to sound the person out on what is best for them, let them be open about it, and thereby let them stay in control of something when a lot else isn't in their control any more.

I think it's similar when recovering from illness. You don't have to be the gracious host, meaning you don't have to answer the door, or the telephone, if what you need right at that moment is to rest. All friends ask of you is that you give good hints of what helps – what helps you know you're not alone in your feeling miserable

Two sides to the relationship called caring. Awhi atu awhi mai.

Shalom, Robyn